Chapter 2 The Misery Trap and Early Treatment Methods
- Fairy tales
We all grow up and listen to stories of perfect fairy tales and it sets unrealistic expectations. Holding onto these images sets us up for disappointment. The Love we experience is met by the Love we Extend.
- The Problem with Schemas
Schemas are frameworks or concepts of what we think are common to help us organize information into categories. These mental models or patterns of thought or behaviors allows us to use short cuts to interpret the world and our environment. Our brain creates models in our long-term memory based on our unique experiences. The problem is that schemas cause us to exclude pertinent information by making assumptions of pre-existing beliefs and ideas, such as stereotypes. For example, if a child learns about a dog in a picture book, the child might develop a schema that dogs walks on 4 legs and have tails, which is correct. But when this child first encounters a cat, they may call it a dog because it fits the criteria that they understood as a dog. Once the child learns, this is a cat and the differences, then they will change their schemas, which still might have flaws.
- Peer Pressure
How many decisions do you make each day? How often is your decision impacted by concern for what others may think, even subconsciously? We teach our children not to succumb to peer pressure. However, we still blindly follow the flock, like sheep, to get approval from the world, instead of standing up for justice and truth, because it might cost us our reputation and we are afraid how others will judge us. Be the lessons you teach.
- Be Advised from Wisdom, not Media.
Media is driven by power, profit, corruption, and creating fear and enemies. Media is not shaped by wisdom. Media effects our thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors, whether it is written, seen, heard, or read. Although social media has some benefits, it has been clearly proven that social media is harmful for people’s mental health, with unrealistic views, rumors, bullying, isolation, and disrupting sleep creating depression and anxiety. It is advised to get off social media as much as possible to avoid the misery trap.
- Give power to your guiding voice.
Our Brains are muscles and practicing any muscle will make it stronger. We all have a Critical Voice in our head and a Guiding Voice in our head (sometimes referred to as the shoulder angel and the shoulder devil). The more we practice listening to our guide, the stronger that muscle will become and the weaker the negative voices will become. Don’t expect this to happen overnight. If you break your dominate arm, you will instinctually go for the dominate arm at first to grab a pen and write. But eventually, you will catch yourself sooner and sooner. After a while, it will become natural and easy to use your non dominate arm. At that point, the muscle in the non dominate arm (or positive thinking patterns) will get stronger and faster, while the other arm muscle (negative voice) will become weaker from being used less.
- Balance of Harmony
Many of us have misunderstood the balance of opposite qualities or the interconnection of complementary forces. Some may know this energy (Life Force, Chi) as Lovingkindness, Mettā, Chesed, 慈, or मैत्री. Examples of natural dualities include day and night, yin and yang, air and fire, up and down, east and west, soil and water, male and female, winter and summer. None of these are better than another, they are just different and support each other. These forces are needed at different times. If love is made of all kindness and light and the opposing force is anger; darkness being made of power, strength, and protection, they both have benefits. If a bear comes to attack us, we do not need love and kindness, we need strength and intelligence to get ourselves safe. We need the harmony of both forces to survive since they cannot exist without the other. Even bad experiences help us appreciate the good times. Anyone with a perfect life, will never fully appreciate it, if they never experienced anything bad. Karuṇā is a means for attaining a happy present life by living a life of compassion or even mercy, which means to accept and love the good and bad parts of yourself as a means to have a rebirth of happiness and peace.
| LOVE vs FEAR Mindset | |
| Guilt OR | Evolution? |
|---|---|
| Rejection OR | Advancement? |
| Mistake OR | Growth? |
It is said that a Cherokee Elder told his grandchildren that there is a war going on inside of him between two wolves. One wolf was ego anger, envy, greed, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, sorrow, regret, and superiority. The other wolf was kindness, joy, peace, love, hope, compassion, generosity, truth, humility, and faith. The elder then said this raging war is inside of everyone. The grandson asked who wins the war? The elder replied “the one you feed.” And he went on to say: The point of life’s walk is not where or how far I moved my feet, but how I moved in my heart. If I walk far and climb mountains, but am angry and hold grudges, I move nowhere. We can only go as far as our heart takes us. To move forward, I need to leave the negative behind. But, you want to feed the wolves right, so that they can both win. If I only feed the kind wolf, the angry wolf will hide in the darkness and fight for the food making the situation uncontrollable. But by acknowledging both, they can both be satisfied and I will get the skills of power, strength, courage, fearlessness, quick wit and resiliency from the angry wolf. Once there is no battle inside you, you can hear the voices of greater knowing to guide you in choosing the right path in every circumstance.
7. Stop Brainwashing yourself Negatively and Focus on What you can Control
So, we know there is good and bad (or lessons) in the world. Since you do not have control over any of it, outside of yourself, focus on what you can do. You can live your life focusing on the pessimistic or even horrors of the world. Or you can focus on the positives and control what YOU DO. You cannot change the actions, thoughts, or behaviors of other people. It is always your choice what to think and focus your energy on. Each of your thoughts creates a chemical in your body that sends signals that are sent to your brain and keep the emotions or feelings from that thought inside of you. Not only can you brainwash yourself that you suck, but you will create a chemical/hormonal/neurochemical blueprint to keep believing that thought, whether it is true or not true at all. Now you have successfully brainwashed yourself, because if you hear something enough, you will eventually believe it. This happens faster if the voice telling you limiting beliefs is your own voice. Distract yourself from these negative thoughts, until you can read a list of affirmations. Remember what you can control.
MOST OF OUR THOUGHTS ARE BASED ON LOVE OR FEAR. Imagine trying to see it from a different perspective based on love and even learning.
| FEAR RESPONSE | LOVE RESPONSE |
| Anger | Compassion, love, cheerfulness |
| Blame | Admiration |
| Despair | Hope, wisdom, purpose |
| Disappointment | Inspired, Transformed |
| Doubt | Curiosity |
| Emptiness | Fulfillment, opportunity |
| Fear | Acceptance and Trust |
| Grief/Loss | Reason and acceptance of change |
| Guilt | Evolution and Determination |
| Hate | Compassion |
| Hesitation | Discovery, motivation |
| Inadequate | Serenity |
| Incapable | Development or Empowerment |
| Mistake | Growth and Enhancement |
| Misery | Divine Grace or Love |
| Pessimistic | Optimistic |
| Regret | Awareness |
| Rejection | Advancement |
| Shame | Love |
| Suffering | Peace, building, or satisfaction |
| Worry | Acceptance and Creativity |
| Worthlessness | Purpose and Confidence |
-Your perspective will change your entire life, not just how you see the world, but what brain chemicals you make, and what energies you attract
-Smile. Yes, the muscle movement creates a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing happy hormones called dopamine and serotonin
-Think “How would I like to respond?” How might my role model respond?
-You have choice of your thoughts and reactions, be curious, mindful or your feelings, and aware. Now choose your new thoughts.
-Challenge and Reframe your thoughts (Say out loud 10x I CAN DO IT)
-Set healthy boundaries
-Avoid toxic environments
-Be mindful and in the present moment
-Focus on your Values and Priorities
-What lesson can you learn
-Give gratitude for what you DO have
-Choice to heal, grow, and develop self compassion
-Practice self care to build your resilience
-Give yourself a positive self affirmation
When you hear something over and over, you start to believe it. If it is in your own voice, you believe it even sooner. You can convince yourself of anything by repeating it. So, when you repeat that you “are not good enough,” “no one likes you,” etc.- you will believe it. The negative self talk from your Internal Critic can convince you of things that are not true and make you feel horrible about yourself because you do not ask for evidence, you just believe it. Most people’s primary negative and angry thoughts are towards themselves, with self doubt and criticism. To stop unwanted intrusive thoughts, use Thought Stopping Techniques also called Ground Skills in the next section.
You can do the same with affirmations to speak positively to yourself each morning in the mirror, such as:
“I am worthy of love and compassion.”
“I am good enough.”
“I am strong and kind.”
“I deserve joy, happiness, and fulfillment.”
“I can attract positive relationships and meaningful connections.”
“Everyday in every way I get better and better.”
- Coping Skills and Grounding Techniques
To control unwanted thoughts, use grounding techniques which are simple strategies to distract your mind away from the emotional pain, like switching the channel on the TV. You can image yourself as a tree, rooted in the ground and imagine sending any negative energy back down to Mother Earth. She can transform energy from bad to good, so give it back to her and ask for her to ground you so that energy can easily flow in and out of you. If this does not work, start by using the 5 senses to focus on the present moment:
Sight:
- look in the mirror and remind yourself you are in the here and now, the date, and that you are safe
- count something in the room, such as tiles, window pains, scratches on the wall, etc.
- have a happy picture/collage/vision board to look at or create one
- describe an object that you see in great detail (naming adjectives, such as colors, numbers, shapes, sizes, and textures) distracts our minds from other thoughts
- find something in the room for each color in the rainbow
Hear:
- Name all the sounds you can hear at the moment
- Sing
- Listen to Nature sounds
- Make a Playlist
- Clap Loudly
- Listen to calming music
- Recite the words to a favorite song, poem, or quote
Touch:
- Splash yourself with cold water in the face or touch ice
- Snap a rubber band around your arm
- Play with silly putty, stress balls, or fidget toys
- Feel and label all the textures of clothes you are wearing
- Label textures of other objects in the room, such as the chair, pencil, fidget toy
- Name how heavy objects are, such as your phone or fidgets
- Name what part of your body most of your weight is on- feet, bottom, legs, arms?
- Label the temperature of the objects around you- hot, cold, warm?
- Label the temperature of you- hot, cold, warm?
- Dance
Taste:
- Drink some cold water
- Drink a hot soothing beverage
- Eat something very spicy, such as a fire ball
- Eat something very sour, such as bite into a lemon or get very sour candy
Smell:
- Notice whatever you can smell in the room
- Perfume, candle, body lotion, room spray- lavender, vanilla
- Imagine a happy soothing smell, such as your favorite meal
Additional Grounding Techniques:
- Sort and Organize Anything
- Do Math Facts in Your Head (such as keep subtracting 3 from 100, or keep subtracting 7 from 1,000, do your multiplication tables, etc)
- Puzzles
- Pick a Category and name as many items as possible in that category (if that is too easy, do it in alphabetical order, such as: Ape, Bear, Cat, Dog, etc. or pick one letter and name as many as possible with that letter, such as: Arm, Abdomen, Ankles, Adam’s Apple, Artery
- Describe the steps to an activity, such as cooking pasta, “go into the kitchen” “get out the pot” “fill it with water” “put on the stove and put the top on” “turn on the stove” “take out the pasta” etc.
Other Distracting Coping Skills (Do Double Distracting with two skills at once):
- Play a game on your phone or any brain teasers that you have
- Play a solitary card game
- Play a video game
- Do a crossword puzzle, word search, or sudoku
- Exercise
- Take a Walk
- Play with a Pet or Child
- Read
- Watch something funny or inspiring
- Journal
- Clean
- Play a Sport
- Watch TV/Movie
- Listen to a Podcast
- Draw/Color some Zentangles
- Take a cold Shower
- Do a project or create something
- Cook or Bake
- Socialize with others, including online
- Yoga, Stretching, or Meditation
- Listen to a 5 Minute Mindfulness Exercise
- GIVE YOURSELF PLENTY OF: Kindness, Compassion, Love, Acceptance, Patience, Understanding, and Forgiveness
Treatment Recommendations:
Read chapter 2 twice everyday until it is part of you, possibly in the morning and before bed.
How modern life affects our physical and mental health : https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/318230
